One Sunday morning in the early 1990s I sat in a pew at the (Unitarian Universalist) Arlington Street Church in Boston. I can still hear the Rev. Kim Crawford Harvie asking the question, “Why do we do what we do when we know what we know?” I don’t remember how she answered the question, or even if she answered it. But I still hear it. “Why do we do what we do when we know what we know?
It’s a powerful question that invites us to explore those confounding thoughts, emotions, behaviors, relationships dynamics, anxieties, fears, etc. that persist in our lives, though we’d really like to move beyond them. I suspect at that time 30 years ago the question made me wonder about why I had stayed in a relationship for so long when I knew it wasn’t good for me. I also might have wondered about my father’s struggle with alcoholism over the previous quarter century: why had it been so difficult for him to get sober when that was all he wanted to do? To this day I notice my almost automatic use of coping strategies which I know originated in my childhood growing up with an alcoholic parent. They served me well as a child, but they’re no longer helpful; and though I like to think I’ve left them in the past, they remain remarkably durable and still tend to show up from time to time, especially in moments of high stress.
Why do we do what we do when we know what we know?
Why might we continue to consume foods and beverages we know aren’t healthy for us?
Why might we not fully heed the sound advice of our doctors?
Why might we continue to be angry at some person or situation about something that happened years ago, when we know the anger serves no purpose and mostly just harms us?
Why might we continue thinking negative thought about ourselves—you’re not good enough, not smart enough, not artistic or creative enough, not talented enough, not worthy—when we know none of it is true?
Why might we make the same New Year’s resolutions—or various species of them—year after year, but never achieve them?
I’m not suggesting that each of you is sitting here quietly wrestling with some unresolved childhood trauma, or living with some private piece of yourself that you’re desperately struggling to change. In my experience, most of you are relatively content with your lives. Many of you have worked really hard to attain that contentment. But at the same time, it’s rare to encounter a person who doesn’t want to change something about themselves, but can’t quite make it happen. Somehow it’s easier to maintain the psychological status quo, rather than make the change we know we ought to—or need to—make.
Why do we do what we do when we know what we know?
This morning I have a very specific answer to the question, as well as some thoughts about how to make those changes which so often remain elusive despite us knowing they would enhance our living. But first, credit where credit is due: Skip Gatting purchased this sermon at last year’s goods and services auction. While I’ve timed it to hint at why so many New Year’s resolutions are abandoned before the end of January, I’ve also timed it to plug this year’s goods and services auction—featuring our first-ever sauce competition—Saturday evening, January 25th. As always, I will be auctioning off a sermon. If this morning’s topic is not to your liking—or I suppose if any sermon topic is not to your liking—join us on the 25th and bid high!
For decades, Skip has been conducting a self-guided study of techniques for improving one’s life—for reducing negative thinking, anger, anxiety and some forms of depression; for attaining greater happiness, inner peace, contentment, stronger relationships and greater meaning. He has his own website, Happiness-Success.com, at which, in addition to sharing his own musings, he has curated many resources—articles and videos—from medical doctors, neurologists, psychotherapists, life coaches, leadership trainers, new-age self-help gurus, religious scholars and practitioners, yoga instructors, Reiki masters, Oprah Winfrey and more. He’ll also be leading a workshop here on January 15th called “Program Your Mind to Achieve Your Goals” if you want to dig deeper into this material after this morning.
His own story, which he shares on his website, explains why he is so passionate about this topic. For a variety of reasons, including traumatic childhood experiences, he grew into adulthood with significant anger, hostility and unhappiness. Although he had an excellent education, including earning an MBA degree, he was unsuccessful in the corporate world due to what he calls his negative attitude. That attitude, he says, also ruined his first marriage. His rock-bottom moment came when he was arrested and spent a night in jail. He promised himself he would seek professional help. He began with cognitive behavioral therapy, of which he speaks very highly; and from there expanded his journey of personal transformation through research, study and practice. Negative thinking, anger and unhappiness no longer haunt him today. In fact, people tell him he’s too positive!
If there’s one idea Skip wanted me to bring to you this morning, it is neuroplasticity, the brain’s capacity (and really the capacity of the entire central nervous system) to adapt and change—to literally rewire itself—in response to internal and external stimuli.[1] From infancy to adolescence—the time of peak brain development—we are constantly receiving and adapting to new information. We are learning. As we learn, our brain develops neural pathways to hold the learning. Much of that learning sinks into our unconscious mind. It becomes embedded, rote, second nature. We know 5 times 5 equals 25 without having to count it out on our fingers. We don’t forget how to ride a bike. We aren’t aware of electrical impulses moving constantly across our trillions of neural pathways, yet without all that unconscious knowledge, we’d have to think through every little bit of our functioning.
This becomes problematic when the learning we internalize as children no longer serves us well in adulthood. In response to childhood trauma, Skip’s young brain built resilient neural pathways to help him cope and survive. He describes his negative thinking as a protective mechanism in adolescence. But as an adult it hampered his ability to succeed at work or to form lasting relationships. Growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent, I learned conflict avoidance. It was a great coping strategy as a child. Not so great in adulthood. I’ve worked hard to leave that part of me behind, but it is remarkable how it continues to show up when I least expect it. Unless we find some way to intervene in these unconscious processes, the older, well-established neural pathways continue to operate. That’s one answer to question, why do we do what we do when we know what we know.
The good news is we aren’t hopelessly mired in the patterns of our childhood. Neuroplasticity enables the brain to form new neural pathways. This is not a new insight. Neuroplasticity is widely documented in the literature on psychology and neurology. If I understand correctly, as new neural pathways form, the old ones fall into disuse and slowly disappear. But it doesn’t just happen. The old pathways are durable, especially if they were formed in response to dysfunctional family systems, abuse, trauma, addiction, housing or food insecurity—anything that makes life feel precarious, unstable, etc. The building of new, more useful and healthy neural pathways requires sustained, disciplined work, whether within a therapeutic setting or on one’s own. I am no expert. I certainly have no clinical training. But in wading through the articles and videos on Skip’s website—as he asked me to do—I’ve pulled out some basic notions that resonate with me given what I’ve learned over the years as a pastor in supporting adults who want to change how they think, feel or behave.
If we want to change, we need some way of altering or disrupting the patterns our established neural pathways sustain. We can prepare our brains for neurological change by actively slowing down or quieting the constant operation of those established pathways. How do we do this? One of the most reliable and widely cited techniques is meditation. Sit still, quiet the mind, watch your thoughts and feelings arise, but don’t let them hook you, don’t follow them. This is synonymous with basic Buddhist practice. Quieting the old patterns makes the brain more receptive to change. I actually think most spiritual practices will have a similar impact—prayer, singing, writing poetry, journaling, yoga—Skip uses the term ‘mindful thinking.’ Whatever quiets the mind. Whatever pauses or rests the endless flow of impulses up and down your established neural pathways.
Others recommend play. So much of children’s learning and the forging of their neural pathways happens in the context of play. The same is true with adults. Play takes us out of our regular routines and thus, like spiritual practice, provides respite from the constant flow of information across our established neural pathways. Any activities that create such respite will help make the brain more receptive to the creation of new neural pathways.
How does one actually do it? How does one intentionally create new neural pathways so that the old ones recede? I see four practices that, when used together over time, provide a reliable avenue for successfully changing longstanding thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Again, none of this is new information. It is widely accessible in the literature on psychology and neurology.
First, observe the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, anxieties, compulsions, impulses, fears you want to change in real time. Learn to notice them as they arise. Bring them into your conscious awareness. Once they are there, you have more power over them, more capacity to choose whether or not to entertain them, more ability to interrupt and redirect them toward the change you seek. Ah, there’s that negative thought again. I am going to replace it with a positive thought.
Second, visualize the change you seek. Whether you want to think, feel or behave differently, whether you want to be at some different place in your life a year from now having achieved a goal that is important to you, spend time every day visualizing the change. Imagine it. Attach images to it in your mind’s eye. You will know what you’re visualizing is a product of your imagination, but your neurons apparently won’t. In response to visualization, your neurons will work just as hard at building new pathways to support the change.
Third, whatever change you visualize, attach as much positive emotion to it as you can. Combine your visualizations with activities that make you feel good. One technique that resonates with me is to combine visualizations with a practice of contemplating the blessings in your life, the things for which you are grateful. There is considerable evidence that emotion facilitates the development of new neural pathways more than thinking.
Fourth, repeat, repeat, repeat. New neural pathways form most reliably when the desired thought, feeling or behavior is repeated at regular intervals over months and even years. Skip tells the story of setting the alarm on his watch to beep every hour, reminding him to observe his thoughts. Was he ruminating on some negative idea or feeling, which was his norm? If so, he would replace it with a positive idea or feeling. The bottom line is, when attempting to build new neural pathways, repetition matters. Discipline matters. A willingness to practice matters.
Now, some cautions. I know the way I am talking about this material makes it sound simple, and in some ways it is. Skip will tell you it’s a very simple concept. But he will also agree that the old neural pathways, because they are so familiar and deeply ingrained, because they provide the path of least resistance, are very hard to alter. These techniques I’ve described will not work for everyone, especially in situations where people are working through the impacts of severe trauma or brain injury. People can work extremely hard at this and never get the results they seek. And sometimes the things we want to change require corresponding changes in the larger environment over which we have much less control.
Nevertheless, the evidence is clear: our brains can rewire themselves, can build new neural pathways in support of healthier living, a more positive, confident outlook on life, the achievement of goals, and the attainment of greater happiness and contentment. With that said, I go back to the words of the Rev. Robby Walsh which I shared at the beginning of this service: “I wish for you in this new year as many new beginnings as you need.” I share this wish with the knowledge that we have the tools to change our lives for the better. Knowing what we know, we can change what we do. Thanks Skip!
Amen and blessed be.
[1] Here’s a nice overview of neuroplasticity in Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/neuroplasticity#:~:text=Engaging%20in%20positive%20social%20interactions,sense%20of%20purpose%20in%20life.
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